tale

I never thought there was such things as fate. But unfortunately, I started loving someone I am not supposed to love and there came a time that I had to leave the person I never wanted to leave. Thus, the reason we had to break up was my fate. I understand that there are some people who still hang on when they should just let go

So, do you want to say that I am the only one holding on? I have waited you for a long time. I have never changed.

I am not the same person I was last autumn and neither are you. We could be together for a life time and still be unable to understand each other. I hate to say this but you know when you date, when you start it takes two to hold hands. But when you end the relationship it takes one. Now, it is your turn to let go.

You told me to clear up my feelings but I cannot. I tried looking for the answer, the way, but I have no idea what it can be. A woman's happiness depends on what kind of man she chooses, is not it?

Sometimes the things you see might not be real, some things are visible only through faith. I hope one day I could love you the way you love me. 

You figured it out once. I am sure, you will do it again. Tell me how do you look at the man you love and tell yourself that its time to walk away? I will make you fall in love with me again. How is it?

Listen to me. No matter what you say, my ears cannot hear it because in my eyes I do not see you. I solemnly sorry.

Every single day, I dream of the day that you will take me in your arms again. I guess we always have a choice, it is just some people make the wrong one. The moment of impact proves potential for change. Has ripples effects far beyond what we can predict. 

Truth only means something when it is hard to admit. One more thing, I do not want you to be a little mermaid and turns into foam upon the waves.

Do not worry. I will be fine, but not now. I felt so lost. I am still glad you did loved me yesterday even tomorrow is not. There are some couples who end without even having a chance to hold hands. At least, I did have that chance. Our chapter may ends here but the story still goes on.

Camellia Tan :) 

a new chapter

it's been a long time since i forgot how to write..

i have been stop writing a long time ago.

and now,,

something pulled me back, the voice of reasons i forgot i had.

something that made me wants to write again..

a new chapter of my life has began.

4 months ago.

now, exactly 4 months since im leaving my home.

i went to canada, 4 months ago with because i want to continue my study.

it is not easy to leave home, to another continent.

i feel lonely, sometimes kinda missing home.

ive never been more homesick than now..

a lot of things change since i came here.

society, life and everything.

i dont know how much i can inspire people.

but i just realise after a while being here.

that every single choice that you made, you gonna regret it and said.

how if i done the other way..

well. life doesnt always be like we wanted them to be.

a new place that brings a lot of different to this new life.

when you are so far away from home,

you wish someone could be there, someone there to rely on.

i guess thats what i felt

and it could be the beginning of my fault in here.

i feel happy sometimes that i now theres a lot of things i have done, many great things that i dont even imagine before.

but since i came here, im still try to assimilate.

sometimes im tired to blend to it, because im afraid to be failed again..

a lot of people back home, keep supporting me..

that make me, still stand up with my own feet til today..

well,,

i am willing to be the one and the angel that people love.

i am not a hero.

maybe im the villain..

sometimes i wanna cry, but theres no tears that willing to come from my eyes.

sometimes i laugh, i smile, but i dont feel the happiness.

it is like i lose myself.

and by the limited of words, i want to express it..

i will be a witness in the silence when the words are not enough.

in here,

sitting all alone,

in front of an open book..

i wanna cry, i wanna scream out loud that i feel theres something empty inside me.

and i dunno whats that..

im struggling with a lot of things.

my education, my life, my society, and my faith..

i want to have someone to rely on,

butt,,

now i will try to stand up with my own..

with the power of God,

on whom shall i fear??

*be strong and take heart, all of you who hope in the Lord*

*i read it somewhere, in this life, it is not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong*

and i will be strong even if it is all goes wrong..

fiuhh..really, now im not good with words. no more..

the words seems not enough..

:)

Aku adalah Aku.

aku menelantarkan dunia dan mimpiku.

menyerahkan sebuah kehidupan yang awalnya adalah millikku.

aku bukan seorang penyair atau penyastra dengan bakat alami.

tapi aku pernah mencobanya untuk masuk ke dalam sudut tak terjangkau tersebut.

dan kini aku kembali hidup meninggalkannya bak mimpi di kala fajar tiba.

aku terbangun dan menaungi kehidupan yang sejak awal adalah sebuah takdir.

ketika aku bertanya pada diri sendiri, inikah yang diri ini inginkan.

sebagian kisah menyiratkan bahwa sebelum ada di dunia ini, manusia pernah ada di sini sebelumnya.

manusia memiliki rotasi 2500 tahun seperti kalanya bintang.

dan ketika aku bangun dan menyadari bahwa aku menginginkan sesuatu, aku larut dan tertidur dalam bayang itu hingga aku lupa cara untuk hidup.

kini aku hidup dalam mimpi dan tertidur dalam mimpi tanpa tahu bagaimana harus kembali hidup.

I miss you again just like it's yesterday

My desire to see you just won't disappear

You just keep appearing in my mind

The more I comfort myself, the more I cry

Even if I rub away those tears secretly

The memories spreading to other memories

Making me cry with pain

I regret that I've only received

Will you forget me because I haven't given you anything

I love you, I love you

This is what I learned from you

Out of all the words and phrases in the world

This has become my favorite phrase

I mutter it to myself, as if I were stupid

I'm really, I'm

I'm for these words that are too late

I wait for you without a sense of honor

will you return tomorrow by chance.

I was a fool.
My regrets were too late too. I know that it can't be turned back.
I know that I can't see you too.
I was so wrong, I'm so sorry.
I didn't get to say then, instead I was just being rotten.
So I'm here now pleading for forgiveness with worry

I'm a fool
Because of my pride I'm ruining myself with alcohol
and the bitter taste of cigarette smoke.
I cry my eyes out all day because I still love you
You and I, we both are like fools.

Don't be like that, think about it.
Think about what it took us to get here
Think about it again, you're going to regret it.
I was so wrong, I'm really sorry
I didn't get a chance to say then, instead I was just being rotten.
So I'm here now pleading for forgiveness with worry

I'm a fool
Because of my pride I'm ruining myeslf with alcohol
and the bitter taste of cigarette smoke.
I cry my eyes out all day because I still love you
You and I, we both are like fools.

I can't live a moment without you.
I still cry even no matter how I drink or if I cut my hair.

I'm a fool
Because of my pride I'm ruining myself with alcohol
and the bitter taste of cigarette smoke.
I cry my eyes out all day because I still love you
You and I, we both are like fools.

Don't ruin yourself anymore..

all about goodbye.

meet and say goodbye it's a thing that unavoidable.

saying goodbye isn't the hard part.

it's what we leave behind that's thought.

goodbye make you realise what you've had

what you have lost and what you have taken for granted.

there's no second chance in this life.

and even if there is a second chance it won't make a change.

just like Time is like a river,you can't touch the same water twice cos the flow that has passed will never pass again..

time change everything, we must let go it..

no need a tear drop to regret it, we must face it and continue our life.

we must start to stop analysing the past, cause what that has gone will never come back.

we can recalling that memory in our mind but not in our life.

the things that we had done, we will never do it again.

i will face my past without regrets.

handle my present with confidence.

and prepare for the future without fear.

surrender all to my Lord n Saviour.

my life is Yours , LORD..

they said that time flies so fast..

for me,, time flies so fast and I'll make it even faster..

finally, i wake up and realise the truth about us, that you and i doesn't belong in one sentence.

wondering what it was that made you change..

cause you has been change, i can't stand here anymore.

you change too much.

and i think if there is a chance, we won't make change.

i decided to whispered goodbye and never to return again.

someday you will wake up and realise i'm not here any longer.

everyday i wish you were here, but there's something we can't work on.

we can't change the truth, that people change and everything goes wrong.

you had been too far away, you the one who make the distance between us.

the only thing that i know and understand that we'll separated by a long,long distance.

and at that time, we can't change anything. it's too late.

even when you ask me to stay, i will answer you. "you never asked me to stay."

i know you did loved me yesterday even tomorrows not.

your happiness is my only consideration even i'm not part of it.

i'll smile for you eventhou' i'm hurting inside.

i ever think to ruin up your life, cause you gone, you change too much.

but finally i realise it's not easy to broke someone life when you know how precious they are.

i just want you to be happy, to find your own happiness..

i won's struggle so much for i believe best thing happen when not expected.

i just tried to letting you go.

and now is the time to say my last goodbye cause i don't want to have another goodbye.

please, have a faith that another love will wait for you just around the bend..

~..........~

as beautiful the spring and summer

the autumn and winter will always come.

in autumn most trees shed their leaves

the leaves that have been grown in spring and summer.

in winter all leaves will go away

just like our memories

even there many good times like the plant in the spring

the winter will always come and there is no more leaves

as the autumn, the trees shed their leaves

just like me shed my tears

seperti apa yang pernah ku fikirkan.

seperti bayangan yang selalu datang di fikiranku..

yahhhh. pada akhirnya dunia itu selalu berputar.

tat kala aku baru bermanja diri bersama langit diantara permandani bewarna biru.

aku harus bangun dan tersadar.

bahwa bukan disinilah tempatku tuk berdiri.

ketika segalanya menjadi sempurna, dan ketika kehadiran itu begitu melengkapi.

aku hanyalah sebuah bayangan yang tak kasatmata yang terus berjuang dan mencoba untuk hadir.

namun,apalah daya seorang bayangan.

dia ada namun takkan pernah terlihat..

dunia itu menamparku dengan satu kenyataan.

bahwa yahh memang segalanya berubahhh.

kamu terlalu letih untukkk sadar dan kamu akhirnya tertidur..

dan ketika fajar membangunkan, dedaunan telah kering musim gugurpun telah tiba.

mungkin akulah yang salah.

aku menyerahkan diri seutuhnya pada sebuah dunia yang bukan adalah duniaku.

aku menghempaskan diriku untuk hidup dalam kemayaan.

dan kini waktu memekurkan kesempurnaan dan bahwa aku harus kembali ke sebuah kenyataan.

kini waktu mengerjaku dan dunia mempermainkanku.

mempermainkan sebuah perasaan yang sedang rapuh dan dilanda dilema.

aku mungkin yang akan mengalah.

bila di dunia ini hanya tersisa kesakitan untuk hati ini, aku akan mengalah tuk pergi.

meski sjujurnya hati ini enggan melangkah pada belokan yang lain di depan.

namun aku rela.

bukan karena aku seorang pengecut yang suka lari dari kenyataan atau karena aku seorang pecundang yang takut terkalahkan oleh dunia.

aku tak takut gagal, aku tak takut kalah..

aku hanya takut untuk tersakiti dengan alasan yang sama.

hanya ituuu..

when i realise there is something that i can't work on.

even when i tried it more and more.

better for me to go my own way.

better for me to willing my self go.